I’m expecting a few big changes in my life in the next few months. Hopefully things get a bit better. Although, I’ve been quite active, doing different things to have a little fun on the side. I had invitations to 2 different Thanksgiving parties, but one of them was somewhat un-practical and the other one was going to be one of those family parties that you only know one person and can become quite awkward or whatnot. So, I decided to stay at home and perhaps save a poor turkey. These poor bastards are victims of genocide if you ask me. For this “special” holiday thousands or even millions of these poor bastards are slaughtered to overfill our hungry stomaches for a day or two.
I wish I could provide more details and information about the stuff I’ve been doing or some fascinating stuff I’ve been hearing from my circles, but anonymity is very important to me. A while back when I had the ear infection, I went to see a doctor and they asked me to fill out a questionnaire that was asking about depression and stuff. I totally denied having any signs of depression just because I don’t want special attention. These days I don’t have the symptoms as much, but I’m totally wounded deep inside. So sad inside that I can effortlessly start crying in seconds…
This week’s been amazing so far. A few days ago I stopped by the amazing and world-famous Mons Venus in Tampa, FL. This place is the shit and a fun place to hang out at for men or women (thanks Joe Redner). when I think about the shit I told those bitches and the stuff I did to them I laugh my ass off, but unfortunately for you I can’t share the details. Going to this place is one of the only things that can totally cheer me up for at least a few days.
I’ve been thinking about doing some volunteer work for the past few days just because I am such a wonderful giving person. I think part of the reason for me being so pumped up this week is that I’ve kept myself busy with a lot of crap. In the next few months I’m probably moving to a new city and that always scares me a bit, but at the same time it is quite exciting.
oh I forgot to talk about my Halloween experience this year. Well, I went to a block party at one of these college bars. The parking lot was just packed!! The line was so long and slow that I almost gave up going to this bar, and then the fire marshal showed up and said the bar is too crowded to allow admission to more people. Of course that kindda thing can almost never stop me. So, I left the line and started circling the area to see an opening to this parking lot/bar party and sure enough I come across this cool security guard standing in the back of the lot watching the outer gate. I went up to him and I put on my special charm (I get it from my dad). I told him I had installed a pussy magnet in my pants (thanks Borat) and that I needed to get in to the bar. oh man it’s amazing what a little bit of alcohol can do for you!! The guy was like show me the pussy magnet and you are in (Translation: Give me the cash and you are in). Of course I wasn’t going to pay up for myself and my cheap friends, so I told him I’ll be back and kept on circling till I found another opening. There was a little opening between the bar and the barricade that they had set up outside of the bar for the Halloween occasion, and there was another security guard (busy man) guarding that opening and the adjacent door to the club. I set myself up and as soon as the guard turned around to look inside the bar. I managed to get myself through the little opening (about 2ft. away from the guy) and stood right behind him next to a few girls that were standing out there. He was a cool cat, he was like did you just come through the opening and I turned to him with this confident/drunk look on my face and said “No!! sir!!” So he turned to one of the girls and asked her if she saw me coming in. She said “I didn’t see anything” and I was quick to jump in and say “she is fucking drunk, she doesn’t remember anything anyway, why would you ask her???” So, he being the nice guy said whatever and went back to minding his own business. In the mean time I walked away from the incident area with this huge smile on my face. At this point they were allowing more people to come in, so I went up to the bouncer standing at the door and told him, hey buddy can you let my friend cut on front of the line to meet up with me? The guy was obviously very frustrated with his job at the moment and threatened to kick me out, but magically my friend managed to cut on front of the line and we both happily got in. Although I didn’t pay the cover. The rest of the night was just average, listened to some live bands…
The holiday season is here with its wonderful events and great memories. Family and friends gathering up, wearing customs, buying presents, getting together for thanksgiving…
Actually, I fucking hate the holiday season. I feel more fucked up and left out during the holiday season than any other time in the year. Last year’s holiday season was ok, I spent it with my family, but almost every other year I’ve had shitty holidays. I think this is going to be another shitty holiday for me unless if a christmas miracle happens and that kindda thing only happens to wonderful people who have accepted jesus christ as their personal savior.
Did I mention that I picked up a cold? I was out drinking with a friend this past weekend, and I guess somehow I picked up a cold. Some amazing stuff happened too (shitty stuff), but I’d rather not talk about ’em.
yeah, so as if the cold, the headaches, and the runny nose wasn’t enough, I woke up last night with this muscle pain in my neck. I walked around a little bit and went back to bed after a little while. Then, while I was totally asleep, I woke up with this EXTREME pain in my left leg (muscle cramps). I’ve been dealing with these muscle cramps for years. I remember a few months back I had the same exact muscle cramp in the middle of the night, and I was like what the fuck just happened? Did I get bitten by something? a snake perhaps? and I was paralyzed for a few minutes. This time around I managed to get over it fairly quickly, but I can’t still walk normal and my leg feels like it had a “leg attack” and is totally sore.
The amazing thing about these physical pains is that I rather deal with the physical pain than the mental pain… I really do. Unfortunately, when I get sick, I become so fucked up that the mental pain kicks in at the same time and makes me totally miserable. As I’ve said before, mental pain caused by loneliness causes physical pain. Like Adamski, Seal, and ATB said it best… “It’s the loneliness, that’s the killer!”
So… I’m starting to get better (not really). I guess when you hit rock bottom you think the world is ending for you, but right when you think things are bad, it gets even worse. In a way you lower the standards for yourself just to feel better. I tried being an asshole for a few days (still am to some extent), but it’s really hard to ignore people when they are talking to you (even bitches). Although, I can safely say no more nice guy. I can probably get prosecuted for violating the Good Samaritan Law.
They say depression is caused by chemical imbalance in your brain. Well, they are fucking idiots because in my case at least, my depression is not the cause. Depression is the consequence of me being through as much shit as I have been. These goddamn doctors and psychologists need to seriously take their heads out of their asses and report the facts. Facts about life and today’s societies as the main reasons for depression. Stop blaming the hormones or chemicals!! Your body just reacts to what you are being put through; there’s nothing wrong with you if you have depression. Look around you and may see the source of the problem!!
Guess what!!!? I just thought of another one of those stupid things people say (another myth). “People deserve second chances.” Some people don’t even get a first chance. Look at all the people that are born with disabilities or the kids that are born in Darfur or wherever. Did these people ever get a chance?? Fuck you if you think there is a God, and fuck you if you think God loves you!! If so many people are not given a first chance, what makes you think you are so especial to deserve a second chance??
My ear’s been much better in the past few days, and at least it doesn’t hurt anymore. I managed to go to the gym a few times this week, which was nice and very much needed. Other than that, I stayed at home for the most part and stayed away from Florida heat and its stupid rain/thunder storms. I did feel really depressed this week…much worse than usual.
What a miserable few days it’s been. The ear infection got so bad the other day that I had to see a doctor. When I got home, I was so cold that I was shaking like a rat. Went to bed and just wrapped a blanket around me for a few hours till I got better. I spent another weekend doing nothing for the most part (did some house cleaning though). Watched quite a few funny youtubes and still trying to recover from the ear infection.
Although, this week might be more colorful as I might start clubbing again and have some memorable stories that I might share with you. Time for lunch!!!
So, my good old ear infection is back, and I’ve become more miserable than ever. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t speak, I can’t go to the gym, my neck and shoulders hurt, and I can’t do anything. Every once in a while I hear some kind of noise, and then I wonder if the noise is coming from the inside of my ear or if it’s an actual noise from something else. Today I spent most of the day in bed trying to just lay down and relax hoping that this thing would just go away on its own, but now I’m more neurotic, sad, and depressed than ever.
Alright, I’m gonna go look for some dumb youtube video to cheer myself up.
So, I haven’t blogged for a few days. Not out of laziness, it’s just that there wasn’t anything to write about. I watched Surrogates just the other day, and it turned out to be another one of those cheesy, teenage type, predictable movies. The story was somewhat interesting, but it wasn’t mature enough to challenge the audience. You normally notice this kind of thing when you are sitting in a movie theater with a bunch of idiots that talk and make noises every time something happens in the movie. The fact that idiots enjoy the stuff, says a lot about the movie. Although, I don’t wanna be too harsh on the movie because it wasn’t as bad as movies like Spiderman (all 3) or Iron Man…
My philosophy on movies is that, if a product, a movie is of great quality, I’m a fan regardless of its genre (in most cases). So, if I’m watching a comedy that’s supposed to be goofy and dumb, it better deliver. Or if a movie is supposed to be smart and cutting edge, it better be like that or else what’s the point of watching something fake?? I guess, what ruins a movie for me is that I understand how Hollywood works. Some genre, topic, actors or whatever becomes the hot new thing and the movie studios start throwing money at it. Like in the past few years, these super hero type movies have had some success, so now you see all kinds of super hero crap. Some are good, most are shit. Or a movie comes out like “the 40 year old virgin” and has a little success, a good movie. Then, every single one of the actors in that movie become famous and start making other shitty movies that are supposed to be funny, but they really aren’t. The only funny parts of such movies are found in their previews and the rest is just crap. The thing is, movies are works of art. What makes a great painting great is the fact that the painter has put a lot of hard work and his soul into that piece of art. The painter doesn’t do it for the money in most cases. A lot of great artists are known to be poor and become famous after their death. A movie loses its value when it’s made for the sole purpose of making money and lacks those artistic attributes. Same thing is true for music, when an artist releases shit just to stay on top charts, you can tell by the quality of their music. Their shit gets hot for a few weeks, and then goes away for good. At the same time, there is music out there that’s been around since 70’s, 80’s, or 90’s and still holds its power to move people.